Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor on October 24, 2019


Dear Tiff and Earl,

I’m allergic to pumpkin spice. How do I assimilate into society?

Not-Spice Girl

Dear Blandly, 

That’s really tough, especially this time of year. But a pumpkin is just a gourd, so you can make a new flavor by experimenting with other plants to make a new scent. I would stay away from cannabis because that can get a little dicey, if you know what I mean. 

Scentedly yours,

Dear Sean Spicer,

Assimilate? ASSIMILATE??!! How dare you use that word in my newspaper! Be your own spicy self. Go off, baby girl. Those basics with their PSLs can’t touch you.