Tag: scowl
The Best Day
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 25, 2021
Portfolio
by W.B. Yeats
Today’s the very best day, the best day,
Sweeter than sweet tea with lemonade.
Even though the sky is gray,
The sun will come and brighten the way!
I will take a coffee to go, the usual,
Some caffeine to fill my skull,
Of course they’ll remember me,
I always bring exact change,
Counted every fee!
Then I will go to work,
Work a little overtime,
That employee of the month
Award, it will be mine!
& lunch! Oh lunch! I cannot wait
For seared salmon, it’s a date!
Fresh caught fish eases the
Palette and it’ll be on my plate!
Then I will go home,
An early day for me,
To watch Game of Thrones,
And eat ice cream!
***
Well, today did not go quite as planned,
It rained and rained and rained
And rained.
I was soaked all day.
At the coffee spot,
I forgot my cash,
And they forgot my name,
And forgot my order,
I come here every day; can’t I catch a break?
Work was fine, I guess,
My hours were cut and I got fired.
I should take myself
To the unemployment line.
Lunch did not go as planned,
My salmon was cod,
And I hate cod.
Oh gosh.
I did make it home,
Much earlier in fact,
But those folks at HBO,
Ruined my favorite show.
We all credit ourselves, too much,
With whether our days will be rough,
Sometimes life just gets in the way,
We have no control, even on our birthday!
To the Guy That Yelled at Me in Ryan
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 25, 2021
Poetry
by Ryan’s Room Best Gal ’23
I drive back and forth from school to home,
the commuter life is not one I would’ve chosen.
But a room, a magical room, brings me back,
opens its arms wide open.
Sometimes I have to be the bearer of bad news,
and kick someone out and stifle their hurt.
They hang their head low, for not reserving it sooner,
I extend my gratitude in the form of a smile and compliment their shirt.
Usually, people walk away and keep their honor,
but one time, this whiny cry baby boy yelled at me in front of everyone.
I sat there and listened and watched how he stomped his foot.
It was shocking to watch someone come undone and want to throw me into the sun.
All he had to do was ask nicely to stay inside,
I am not a monster; I would’ve let it slide!
But instead, he was super mean and totally uncool
this guy made me cry, made me feel like a fool!
But what could I have expected from a short finance major?
A bit of respect and human decency?
I guess it wasn’t something he could fit into his calculations,
didn’t have it in him to leave the room peacefully.
I learned something valuable on this day.
When you take something from a boy (let’s face it, he wasn’t a man),
they’ll throw a tantrum and try to make you feel bad.
Call it karma, this time it was me taking your land.
So, to the guy who yelled at me in Ryan,
you made me cry in the room I won.
I messed up my makeup, my eyeliner was smudged.
And because of that you have compact energy, so small, almost none.
Listomania: Best Ways to Raise Your Midterm Grades
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 25, 2021
Features
Turn your grade upside down
Convert it to the metric system
Give your professor a little gift *wink wink*
Cram on your Wellness Wednesday
Give an expository interview to Oprah about your teacher
Round it up to an A
Send your professor a death threat
Have Daddy pay your professor off
Perform a ritual to the flame
Ask Paul Rudd for help
Sign up for a late night tutoring session
Send tasteful nood(le)s
Just don’t, drop out of school and start an OnlyFans page instead
Day of the Darty
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 25, 2021
Portfolio
by Dot’s #1 Fan ’21
The day is September 26, 2020. Weather outside feels like day drinking. The student population has engaged in a darty dedicated to Vineyard Vines and White Claws on Weaton Street. Everything appears normal, until one student hears another cough. The events to follow were recorded by one of the few students who made it out alive.
2:03pm
The cough was heard nearly an hour ago. Everyone has fled the scene of the infection. The cops arrived, but they were no match to the student; they were forced to flee as well. I am currently with my suitemates. We plan to head back to campus where everything appears to still be normal. Hopefully news of the cough has not traveled…
3:11pm
Everything is quiet. We tried to go to Ray, but they won’t let us in. It appears the news has spread fast. We are thrown some leftover chicken nuggets and told to go back to our room. Some students have begun camping outside of Ray hoping it’ll open again. The darty has left them hungry for mediocre food. My roommate pulls out a granola bar that has been in his pocket since his 8:30 on Thursday. The students perk up at the sound of a wrapper. To avoid trouble, I chuck the half-eaten bar across the sidewalk. My roommates and I race back to our suite.
3:52pm
The gates to the campus have closed. Rumor has it, the kid who coughed is on campus somewhere. We are not allowed to leave Suites until the student is found and reported to the health center. The school is offering a reward of $1,000 PC Cash for whoever turns him in.
4:08pm
The drinking has continued. To suppress our fears of lockdown, we share liquor and beer with our neighbors down the hall. My roommate suggests we play a round of Wii Bowling to pass the time. From the hallway we hear, “THERE HE IS!” Everyone runs to look.
4:12pm
It is him. He’s surrounded on the stairwell. He threatens to cough on anyone who approaches… No one moves. In the distance, sirens roar.
“Who called them on me?” We all stay silent. Next to me, I see my roommate has 911 pulled up on his phone. He has saved us.
5:01pm
We are in a standoff. Security is not allowed in or else the kid will infect us all. We have been standing for nearly an hour. No one knows that it was my roommate who called. If the kid knew, we’d all be done for. We try to convince him that it is better for us all if he goes with security. He says he refuses to go to the Marriott. It is either the Omni or nothing.
5:22pm
Security has called the Omni and secured him a room. He is not satisfied. He demands a week-supply of General Tso’s as well, and for Dot to personally deliver it.
“Leave Dot out of this!” The girl from 504 cries. Everyone is crying at the mention of Dot. She doesn’t deserve to be brought into this. The kid won’t stop demanding until the person who called security speaks up.
I turn to my roommate. “I love you,” I whisper before I raise my hand. “It was me!”
The kid looks at me, eyes filled with rage. Before anyone can move, he pulls down his mask and coughs. Everything goes black.
7:38pm
I awake in my bed. My roommate is holding my hand.
“What happened?”
“You saved us.”
“And Dot?”
“Is completely fine.”
It is the best news I’ve heard all day. I cry tears of joy. I have saved Dot.
“All of Suites has to quarantine, but at least we’re together.” I let out another sob. He is right. At least we’re together.
“Guys! Come look at this.” We run to the hallway to see what everyone has gathered to see. On the lawn, we see Dot and Coach Cooley. They hold a sign that reads, “Our Hero.” Around me, my friends raise a White Claw in my honor. The day has been long, but I know it is now over. Soon, I will get to hug Dot again, and everything will be okay.
God Star: A Holy Parody to “All Star” by Smash Mouth
by Elizabeth McGinn on March 25, 2021
Parody
by Lil Wit ’21
Psalm 91 told Him the world ain’t gonna know Him
They put a crown of thorns on His head.
He was preaching kingdom come kind of hinting He’s the One
Who was sent by the One and True Godhead.
Well the Lord is loving and He don’t stop loving
Born as a man, the Jews knew of His coming
Didn’t make sense not to be the Son
He came to talk about kingdom come.
So much to do, so much to preach
So what’s wrong with telling a story?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never die if you follow.
Hey now, he’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, he’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.
It’s a cruel place and they say it gets crueler
Nailed to a tree by a few Roman soldiers.
But Jesus Christ and death tend to differ
Judging by the holes that the three nails delivered.
The life you live is getting pretty grim.
But the Son of God came to save you all from sin.
My soul’s on fire, how about yours?
It’s all thanks to our Savior and the cross he bore.
Hey now, He’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, He’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.
Hey now, He’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, He’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.
Somebody once asked could I spare some time for Mass.
I need to get myself to the sacred space.
I said yep what a concept.
I could use the Eucharist myself.
And we could all have our souls be saved.
Well the Lord is loving and He don’t stop loving
Born as a man, the Jews knew of his coming
Didn’t make sense not to be the Son
He came to talk about kingdom come.
So much to do, so much to preach
So what’s wrong with telling a story?
You’ll never know if you don’t go
You’ll never die if you follow.
Hey now, He’s the Savior, get a move on, go pray
Hey now, He’s the Savior, take your cross up, get saved.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.
And all the teachings are told
Open up your heart, free your soul.