Listomania: Things to Remember for Spring Break
- Civ reading
- Pepper spray (stay safe ladies)
- Swim trunks
- Liquid IV
- Mom’s phone number
Tiff and Earl
Dear Tiff and Earl,
This spring break, I booked a trip to the Bahamas and upon landing, found out I have COVID. What are some COVID-safe quarantine activities I can do while all my friends are on the beaches having fun?
FOMSB (Fear of Missing Spring Break)
Dear FOMSB (Fear of Missing Spring Break),
If the past couple of years have taught us anything, it’s that we must learn to be resourceful and have fun on our own. However, since COVID-19 has forced us to do so for approximately 10% of our lives at this point, I’ve unfortunately exhausted all my good ideas. The best advice I can give you is to purchase a Disney+ subscription if you do not have one already and watch Phineas and Ferb for some inspiration. Those kids had 104 days of summer vacation and you only have 11 days of spring breakーI’m sure they have at least a week’s worth of COVID-safe shenanigans that you can try yourself. Alternatively, you can just watch the show for the heck of it and transport yourself to a time when life as we knew it wasn’t completely upended by a pandemic.
Quarantine activities, my eye. You’ve got to think outside the box. What I’m about to describe to you is something I love to do whether I’m sick or not. This is one of my favorite beach activities: what I like to call “the ostrich.” That’s right, dig your head in. Your nose and mouth will be SO covered, you couldn’t spread anything if you wanted to. All that sand will be great for your skin, and what protrudes of you will be tan. Sounds like my kind of spring break.
Tiff and Earl
Dear Tiff and Earl
With spring break fast approaching, I just learned all my friends are going on a Euro trip next week. The trip is sold out, and I don’t want to be at home all break. What should I do?
Dearest Fyre Festival,
There is only one way to handle this to avoid any form of FOMO. Take the train to Boston, then take the MBTA to the dockyard. Slip a $20 bill to a dock worker for information on the next ship to London. Hop in a shipping container and in two weeks you’ll be there! Don’t forget to poke holes!
Dear Pants on Fyre,
Just because you’re stuck stateside for the break doesn’t mean you can’t join in the continental festivities with your friends. Just set your clocks seven hours forward and spend every last cent in your checking account on overpriced drinks at crowded bars you’re pretending to enjoy. Then, find random, over-filtered pictures of Budapest, Amsterdam, and Rome to make sure all of your Insta followers are blissfully deceived. That way, you can be just as jet lagged, annoying, and regrettably hungover as your globetrotting peers. Don’t worry about missing out on the culture; we all know your friends are just as likely to come back with the Bubonic Plague as any advanced cultural knowledge.