Tiff and Earl

by Elizabeth McGinn


Features


 Dear Tiff and Earl,

I made eye contact with someone across the testing center, and I think I met my soulmate. His cerulean orbs locked with mine behind the plexiglass. From the moment he exposed his nose, I knew he was really the one. How do I profess my swab-induced love?

Sincerely,
Catching Feelings, Not COVID

 

Dear Fetching Feelings,

Finding a college heartthrob is one thing, but finding a college heart swab is entirely different. Love at first swab is arguably more powerful and more intimate than love at first sight in this day and age. I think the best thing you can do is find a way of asking him to get tested with you. He will suavely walk with you (six feet away) down the lane in Peterson, then you can get a peek at his ID when he presses it against the plexiglass, and finally you can get another look at the face of your future fiancé. He’ll catch a glimpse at your face and hopefully that’s all the motivation he needs. Make sure to blow your nose a ton before you go—you don’t want any boogers killing the mood. 

 Swabily,
Tiff

 

Dear Catching Feelings, 

Dating during a pandemic is undeniably difficult. Luckily, there is a way you can see your beloved’s face on campus! Simply ask them out on a Dunkin’ date in Slavin. As we all know, if you have a Dunkin’ cup in your hand, you are exempt from spreading COVID and can sit maskless in Slavin. What a neat quirk of the virus!

Exasperatedly,
Earl

 


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