Tiff & Earl

by The Cowl Editor on September 16, 2021


Dear Tiff & Earl,

I tried cooking for myself and my roommates for the very first time, and we all got food poisoning. I guess Gordon Ramsey hasn’t taught me anything. What are some meals I can make that absolutely cannot be messed up?


Hungry Hungry Hippo

Dear Lunchbox,

Your problem may lie in the quality of your ingredients. Go back to the land. Go fresh, organic, locally sourced, GMO- and pesticide-free. Best of all, you might even consider growing or harvesting your own food around campus, which could be as easy and rewarding as potting a few free-range PC squirrels. Take them home, throw them in a pot, add some broth and a potato, and, baby, you’ve got a stew going.



Dear Hungry Hungry Hippo,

Try to start simple, with things that require literally no effort or skill whatsoever (besides the ability to open packaging and hit buttons) like microwave noodles or frozen pizza. If you find that these delicacies are not enough to satisfy your and your roommates’ palates and you feel comfortable taking your cooking abilities to a whole other level, you can step it up with nourishing meals that take a bit more skill in the kitchen, like milk and cereal or bread and butter. There are all sorts of helpful how-to videos online that can aid you in your quest for Top Chef-level mastery of the dining arts. If all else fails, there’s always Uber Eats—and if Uber Eats fails, there’s always Raymond Hall.

From an Alumni Food Court stan,