Beer Ye, Beer Ye

by The Cowl Editor on February 11, 2022

Creative Non-Fiction

by Fiona Clarke ’23

I am having doubts about feminism. 

My concern is that when women rise to power, beer will lose its place in our society. One of the saddest realizations I have had in my time at Providence College is that most girls don’t like beer. I suppose I should offer a disclaimer that I have done no research on this topic. Anything I say here is based entirely on my own personal experience and on my own observations, etc., etc., etc., and I solemnly swear that I will not attempt to draw conclusions about girls in general, etc., etc., etc. It’s funny, though, that I only seem to run into girls who don’t like beer. I can count on one hand the number of girls I’ve met who like beer. All I can say is, the rest of you all are missing out.

This is not to invoke the old chestnut, “I’m not like other girls.” It’s a damn shame for anyone to not like beer, but I’ve met so many girls who don’t like beer that I’m beginning to get worried for the rest of my gender. I come from a long line, both of blood and faith, of beer-drinking women. (“Beer-Drinking Women”: either a really bad country song or a really good country song waiting to happen.) St. Brigid of Ireland liked beer so much she put it in a prayer: “I wish I had a great lake of beer for the King of kings, and the family of heaven to drink it through time eternal.” (Sip on that for a while.) My mom, sisters, aunt, and sister-in-law love beer. My niece is only three, but I have no doubt that she too will one day love beer—probably when she’s four.

I must admit that I just don’t get it. The criticisms I’ve heard so far include: “It has a lot of calories!” to which I say, yes, and those are what you live on; “It’s bread juice!” which sounds an awful lot like a compliment; and “It’s bitter!”—I can’t argue you out of that one, but maybe I can shame you out of it by gently intimating that you have the taste buds of a five-year-old. I don’t know precisely what the drinks of choice are for those who don’t like beer, but my impression is that they tend to be heavy on vodka, sickly sweet, and taste and smell like cough medicine. Come to think of it, there seems to be a trend of alcohol cleverly disguised as things you might find in the bathroom cupboard or in the kitchen when you’re sick—hard seltzer, Jell-O shots, spiked Gatorade…What’s next, hard ibuprofen? Pish posh, please. 

But all this hard work is making me thirsty. Time for some juice.