Tiff and Earl

by Sarah McLaughlin '23
Editor-in-Chief


Features


Dear Tiff and Earl,

Rumor has it that Jack Harlow is performing at Late Night Madness this year. How do I secure front row seats, and how do I also secure Jack Harlow?

Sincerely,

Jack Harlow’s (Industry) Baby


Dear Jack Harlow’s Baby, 

Step one: purchase a ticket and a grappling hook. Step two: research as necessary to devise an airproof fake identity. Allow me to recommend the guise of Jack Harlow’s mother, who misses her darling son with all of her tender heart. Step three: have a snarling, slobbering fit at the entrance to Late Night Madness and explain through your sobs that there has been a terrible mistake and you were supposed to surprise your baby boy in the front row. Show baby pictures, maybe a lock of hair and a tooth. (Everyone trusts a mother with a tooth.)  Once you’re in the front row, use your grappling hook to secure the package. 

Now run. 

Cheers! 

Tiff

image of tiff


Dear Jack Harlow’s (Industry) Baby,

To answer your first question, there are two possible ways to get front row seats at Late Night Madness. The first is to enter the arena, Hunger Games-style, prepared to fight everyone from the men’s basketball team to Dean Sears for that privilege. The second way to do so would be to bribe The Cowl’s Arts & Entertainment editors into giving you a ticket. Rumor has it that they accept bribes in the form of cash, candy, or Taylor Swift merchandise. To answer your second question, if by secure you mean steal, then Hunger Games-style combat should again do the trick. If you mean romance, keep on dreaming.

May the odds be ever in your favor,

Earl

image of earl