Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor on October 7, 2021


Dear Tiff & Earl,

How do I protect myself from contracting the PC Plague? Everyone has walking pneumonia and keeps lifting their mask in the middle of class to cough and sneeze.


At Least It’s Not COVID

Dear At Least It’s Not COVID,

Believe you me, I know it’s hard when you’re the only sane one left in a world of pleasure-loving, self-centered geese, but you cannot control others’ actions, only your own, and so your instinct to protect yourself is spot on. Preventative measures are the college student’s best friend. In defense against the common cold, the secret lies in two things: protein and aromatics. For the first, try a meat-heavy diet. Slim Jims are cheap and Vienna sausages are cheaper.  For the second, fill a cheesecloth bag with herbs and spices, heavy on the cinnamon, light on the cloves, and wear it around your neck day in and day out. Now brave the wheezing, spitting world. You’ll feel almost as strong as you smell.



image of tiff

Dear At Least It’s Not COVID, 

As long as you follow basic personal hygiene protocols, you should have nothing to be concerned about. You’ll want to make sure you’re wearing at least five masks at all times, even in your dorm room. Even though your professors will ask you to speak up in class and your friends will complain that they can’t hear a word you say, you can rest assured that not a single germ will break through that impenetrable barrier. Not a single smell, either, so for your own sake, make sure to use a breath mint before slipping your masks on.

Don’t forget to wash your hands,


image of earl