Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Dear Tiff and Earl,

I’m allergic to pumpkin spice. How do I assimilate into society?

Blandly,
Not-Spice Girl

Dear Blandly, 

That’s really tough, especially this time of year. But a pumpkin is just a gourd, so you can make a new flavor by experimenting with other plants to make a new scent. I would stay away from cannabis because that can get a little dicey, if you know what I mean. 

Scentedly yours,
Tiff

Dear Sean Spicer,

Assimilate? ASSIMILATE??!! How dare you use that word in my newspaper! Be your own spicy self. Go off, baby girl. Those basics with their PSLs can’t touch you. 

Seasonally,
Earl

Tiff and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Dear Tiff and Earl,

I have no idea what a cowl is. Can you please tell me?

Confused,
A Boogie Wit a Cowl

 

Dear Boogie Wit, 

A cowl is the newspaper you are currently holding to read this. I mean, it says “Cowl” in big letters on the front, so it is kind of self-explanatory. If you’re  wondering why the paper is called the Cowl, then that’s a different story. It’s named after the little hoody-thingy on the priests’habits that flies over their heads when it’s really windy outside. You would think it’d be useful in the rain, but I haven’t seen one use it for that yet. I’m sure the dozens of friars would be happy to tell you more about it if you are so thoroughly intrigued. Actually, they might be happy about it. They don’t really get to talk about fashion because they wear the same thing every day. 

Knowledge is good,
Tiff

 

Dear A Boogie Wit a ?,

… I don’t know. 

¯\_(‘:’)_/¯

Earl

Tiff & Earl

by Portfolio Co-Editor


Features


Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Dear Tiff and Earl,

I only have $10 left on my card; how do I make it through finals week without starving?

Sincerely,

Will Do Things For Money

 

Dear Penniless Person,

You starve. I know that’s tough to hear, but that may be what you have to do!! Because if you’re anything like me, you wasted your Friar Bucks at the Ruane Café getting $5 venti caramel macchiatos. So, if you just have $10 left, that’s only two more overpriced coffees, and you still have finals week. That sucks.

Best of luck,

Tiff

 

Dear Poor Richard,

$10 can get you far. That is, if you know how to spend it. The lazy man can prioritize carbs, while the creative mind will buy smart and trade strategic items (I see you, Allie’s Donuts) with roommates or acquaintances to form somewhat legitimate meals. If all else fails, I hear the Foxy Lady has free breakfast. What is that place, anyway?

Always hungry,

Earl

Tiff & Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Dear Tiff and Earl,

I don’t have any grad schools or job prospects lined up.  What do I do?

Sincerely,

Failing At Life

 

Dear Failing At Life,

Lol. And you think I do?

I decided that all I want in life is a Range Rover, the ability to send my kids to a very expensive prep school, and the time to spend my day getting my nails done, going to hot yoga, and then getting margs with the girls before my husband takes me out to dinner.

Does that not sound absolutely fabulous? We’ll see. The whole idea of the job search is honestly daunting and exhausting and I am freaking the freak out. Even though I really love the sound of the life I described above, I also want to change the world, feel valued, and live a life I am so proud of.

But alas, I have time. Well, not a lot of time, but some time.

Hope that helps?

-Tiff

 

Dear Impending Failure,

Are you afraid of GMOs? Does the farm-to-table movement inspire you? Is artisanal butter what your rustic loaves are missing? Does the prospect of crisp well water just cranks away tickle your fancy? Do you yearn for a simpler way of life?

If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, you should consider finding your calling in an amazing community of believers. Expand on the Catholic baseline established by your theology core by going fundamentalist. The Amish don’t want you, but you may need them. Especially since, somehow, no employers or schools got back to you.

Break a leg,

-Earl

Tiff & Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Dear Tiff and Earl,

What’s your opinion on breakfast for dinner?

Sincerely,

Green Eggs and Ham

 

Dear Green Eggs and Ham,

I am a huge fan of brunch all day, any day, at any time of day, so long as that includes bottomless mimosas. I guess then that puts me in the category of being an avid supporter of brinner as well, which is the term most often used for breakfast for dinner. Pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream? Yes. Eggs Benedict and a side of home fries? Absolutely. Avocado toast and a strawberry banana smoothie? Most definitely. We are in the golden age of brunch, and I most certainly believe that this phenomenon should be extended into dinner.

Keep brunching,

Tiffany

 

Dear Ham Sammy,

My opinion on breakfast for dinner is the same as my opinion on Russia and Putin. I can’t get enough. Breakfast for dinner is as dangerously entertaining as Russia’s threats on the United States. You don’t necessarily know what will happen to your body within the next two hours after eating Ray breakfast or when you see Putin in a tuxedo. Both, are mysteriously sexy. His balding head glistens just like the eggs in Raymond Dining Hall in a delicious way that gets me a little too excited, if you know what I mean.

The threats from Russia hang over our heads just like the intense desire for syrup on Ray waffles. Who knows, you may even find a bug in your waffles like we may find Putin bugging our government buildings.

Hungry for Putin,

Earl

Tiff & Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Dear Tiff and Earl,

Who is your celebrity crush?

Sincerely,

BuzzFeed

 

Dear BuzzFeed,

This one’s a no-brainer: local Providence College celeb Adam Hanna.

I stroll on down to the Met every chance I get in hopes that his transcendent eyes will finally meet mine.

Each and every night I drift off to sleep while listening to the magical sound of his voice.

Who knows, maybe one day he’ll pull a Justin Bieber during a performance and I’ll be brought on stage as his “One Less Lonely Girl.” After all, a girl can dream.

XO,

Tiff

 

Dear Underpaid Intern,

I do not believe in celebrity crushes because no woman is too good or too famous for me. I once got together with Christina Aguilera, and I can prove it if you want. However, if I had to pick a person on the top of the list, it would be Bella Thorne. Most people hate on her and that is exactly why I want her. Her crazy attitude and horrible acting makes me wish I was with her now. Some could say I am My Own Worst Enemy.

Earl

Tiffany and Earl

by The Cowl Editor


Features


Photo courtesy of savvysassymoms.com

Dear Tiff and Earl,

What are your summer/life plans?

Sincerely,

Your Concerned Aunt Mary-Jo

What am I doing for the summer/the rest of my life? To quote the inspirational Kevin Malone, ’’I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.’’

But more seriously, I will be here, disguising myself as Friar Dom, going to basketball games, and generally wreaking havoc while continuing to give sensational advice.

I’ll be back—you’ll see. It takes a lot more than a degree and several restraining orders to get rid of me.

– Tiff

I’ve been toying around with the idea of making a Tinder account and I think this is the summer I do it. Earl’s been hitting the gym a lot lately, making gains. I figure it’s about time to take my talents to the world of online dating everyone’s been ranting and raving about.

The reason I’ve denied the world my unbridled passion for so long is I couldn’t decide on five profile pictures. How do I reduce the awesomeness that is Earl to just five photos? Do I include a photo of my car so the ladies know ’’what’s up?’’ Do I include my tank top gym mirror selfie so the ladies know ’’what’s up?’’ I guess my biggest struggle is trying to figure out how to let the ladies know what’s up.

– Earl