Tiff & Earl

by The Cowl Editor on March 15, 2018

Features

Dear Tiff and Earl,

I have a housing crisis.  One of my friends wants to live with me next year, but I don’t want to live with them.  How do I break this to them without ruining the friendship?

Sincerely,

Pembroke(n)-Hearted

Dear Pembroke(n)-Hearted,

First off, you have an amazing name.

Second, you’re going to have to pull the plug in the most passive aggressive way possible. The more terrible you behave, the more likely it is that they will want to avoid you and then dump you as a roommate. Here are some ways to go about this:

1. Never take out the trash. Even when your garbage can is overflowing and smells disgusting—leave it be.
2. Scatter all of your laundry (both clean and dirty) all over your floor.
3. Chew loudly.
4. Never wear headphones. And if they say, “Hey, I haven’t seen that episode yet, could you put in headphones so it doesn’t get spoiled?” pretend you don’t hear them.
5. If all else fails, hook up with his or her significant other.

Best of luck; let me know if you need more assistance.

Best,

Tiff

Dear Off-Campus Ostracizer,

Leave the lights on.

Insincerely,

Earl