by The Cowl Editor on April 6, 2023
The bane of everyone’s existence at Providence College is the required natural science core. Maybe it isn’t the bane of everyone’s existence, as the science majors fulfill that quite easily, but for the rest of us, this requirement is downright rude. We will take your DWC, philosophy, and theology, but requiring us to further pursue science is just unconstitutional. Passing high school biology, chemistry, and physics nearly sent us in a spiral that had us rocking back and forth reciting the laws of the universe and cursing Newton for ever daring to sit under an apple tree.
Protests against this unjust core requirement have been raging for years, but the administration has finally found a solution to the problem. They have created a new class that will fulfill this harrowing requirement without using anywhere near as much brain power as the other offered courses. Providence College is finally studying the science known as astrology. For the boys who are unfamiliar, astrology is a range of divinatory practices that studies the apparent positions of celestial objects to learn about human affairs. Rumor has it that the new astrology course will replace its partner in crime, the astronomy course. In regards to the change, the College stated that “Everyone was complaining and sending emails. They didn’t expect to have to use their brains and everything was too hard. We had several people mistakenly sign up for astronomy thinking it was astrology, so we decided to make it official. Besides, who needs to calculate the mass of the sun anyway? It’s much more common to need to understand your astrological sign.”
Scowl reporters have gotten a sneak peek at the course syllabus, and trust us when we tell you that this is a class you won’t want to miss out on. It begins with an introduction to astrology during syllabus week, where you calculate your sun, moon, and rising signs. From there, you will move on to more general content, like understanding your signs and how to use your horoscope to improve your daily life. For those who are feeling more advanced, you will also learn how to study your birth chart and what that means for how you interact with the world.
The College is so excited about introducing this new course that they are currently working on creating a new astrology major. If you enjoy this new course, you can have the potential to major in it and take other new courses the College has in the works, such as How to Survive Retrograde, Relationship Compatibility (based on your signs, of course), Intro to Tarot Cards, Astral Projection, and so much more. Anticipating a great deal of interest in this first course, the College has opened 33 sections of the class taught by three professors to give us the angel number 333. In numerology, this represents magnetic creativity, meaning this is the time to apply your unique talents (don’t worry, we’ll cover angel numbers in a separate course, coming soon to the new astrology major). This is your announcement to register for the class as soon as possible. Even with 33 sections, there are sure to be no seats left over by the end of the registration period. I have stars in my eyes just thinking about it.