The Glass Shattered Below by Grace O’Connor ’22 When I read the text, I scream Glowing from the screen The words popping out, sucking me in As my eyes glazed over them Slowly, in disbelief, I turned off my phone and Dropping my face in my hands Forcing my head up to look at […]
Woo the producers/Chris Harrison Sabotage the other contestants by putting a metric ton of garlic in their food Pull a power move and propose to the Bachelor/Bachelorette Replace all the girls’ makeup with clown makeup Rig the rose ceremony Make the other contestants fall in love with you Don’t be fake Be fake Steal the […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, March 6 is Dentist Appreciation Day, and I want to thank my dentist for all the pain, tears, and clean gums that she has given me. What can I give her to represent the complex and complicated relationship that I have with her, besides flossing? Sincerely, Pearl E. White Dear […]
Go to Namibia (they have a significant cheetah population) Go to your bed/hibernate Go to any place that has better food than Ray Fyre Festival Buy a ranch in the old country Go to space (the final frontier) Hop the fence and explore Father Shanley’s house Do your taxes File your FAFSA Go down a […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I just woke up, and I wish I didn’t. I’m covered in Mondoz ranch dressing and I might’ve stolen a poster from them. I even called them the other night to say hi. I think I have a problem. What do I do? Regretfully, Mondoz Maniac Dear Mondiac, Admitting you […]
In six words or less write a story about your dream first date… Go! Only us drowned in candlelight. by Grace O’Connor ’22 A good laugh…all I need. by Erin Venuti ’20 Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney+, and… by Connor Zimmerman ’20 They laugh together, and she’s happy. Clara Howard ’20 […]
Stand outside their dorm room with a boombox Leave them on open on Snapchat DM their ex on Instagram Take them out to Ray Photoshop them into pictures with you Bring them chicken nuggets on Thursday Go to the chapel with them Express your feelings in Morning Mail Steal a golf cart and drive them […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I just found out that my significant other is allergic to every single flower known to man and hates all chocolate (I promise she’s fun!), and CVS has nothing else that is Valentine’s Day related. What should I get her? Nervously, Drug Store Drags Dear DSD, Don’t sell CVS short. […]
by Lil Wit ’21 The mushiest, most lovey-dovey, better-not-be-alone-because-that-sucks day of the year (unless you want to be conventional and remember that this day is actually the feast day for a saint who was martyred for the sake of spreading the Catholic faith and is esteemed in the eyes of the Church to be canonized […]
Sleep in the library Spray Lysol in their face as they sleep Wear a hazmat suit Gently cover them with a tarp Replace their shampoo with Purell Quarantine them in the tunnels Eat one whole orange Scratch that—eat nothing but oranges Snort Emergen-C Create the super soldier serum (Captain America never got the flu) Change […]