Ways to de-stress during Midterms Count your ceiling tiles Count the squares in the wall Talk to your cinderblocks Take a walk down Chad Brown Smell markers Go Halloween decoration shopping and get scared by some of the ones in Target that jump out at you Start manifesting Start knitting Sleep on top of your […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, None of my professors can ever find dry-erase markers. Where have they all gone? Sincerely, Weekend Whiteboard Worrier Dear Weekend Whiteboard Worrier, Your professors know exactly where those markers are. This is a power play. When your professor is fumbling at the podium, and her eyes start darting […]
Dear Tiff & Earl, How do I protect myself from contracting the PC Plague? Everyone has walking pneumonia and keeps lifting their mask in the middle of class to cough and sneeze. Sincerely, At Least It’s Not COVID Dear At Least It’s Not COVID, Believe you me, I know it’s hard when you’re the only […]
Who Should Perform At Late Night Madness? Strictly Speaking Special Guest Anaclastic Friar Dom and Huxley as a duet The Yodeling Kid (Mason Ramsey) The Wiggles Dixie D’Amelio Trisha Paytas Lil Nas X’s baby The PC Pep Band Father Shanley Alabama sorority girls Fifth graders doing the Whip and Nae-Nae The Hype House
Dear Tiff and Earl, Rumor has it that Jack Harlow is performing at Late Night Madness this year. How do I secure front row seats, and how do I also secure Jack Harlow? Sincerely, Jack Harlow’s (Industry) Baby Dear Jack Harlow’s Baby, Step one: purchase a ticket and a grappling hook. Step two: research as […]
Weirdest Reasons People Get Fined Breaking a ceiling tile (and bringing it outside for some reason) Pulling the fire alarm as a social experiment Opening the emergency door to throw out a beer bottle Opening the emergency door to sneak friends in Breaking the dryer door Stealing a COVID sign Breaking into the telephone and […]
Most interesting stickers I’ve seen on campus Bo Burnham quotes Stickers from bananas Father Shanley’s face Huxley The “Berries and Cream” guy The ones they gave out during orientation week B.O.P. stickers on people’s laptops who aren’t in B.O.P. A singular wooden spoon Apple logo stickers on MacBooks Stickers from hometowns/states Faded involvement fair stickers […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, It’s that time of the year—the squirrels are starting to gain awareness again and have begun pummelling our heads with acorns. How should we wage war against them? I think we might want to get the pigeon involved. Sincerely, Fallen Soldier Dear Fallen Soldier, You are right to revolt. We must […]
Wolf howls (in chorus) Flood warning notification (why is it so loud?) The water dripping from the leak in my ceiling The toilet in my apartment randomly flushing in the middle of the night My freezer deciding it’s broken Roommates brushing teeth very loudly People aggressively slamming their dishes onto the Ray dish return Footsteps […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I have found myself suffering from a bad case of senioritis as a freshman. Any cures? Sincerely, Soon-to-be Sophomore Dear Fresh Meat, Finals week is coming and there is only one cure. Go to the bowels of the library where the light of day does not shine. Chain yourself to […]