Carole Baskin Guillotine-decapitated Marie Antoinette The fly on Mike Pence’s head Father Shanley Among Us characters My midterm grades Ruth Bader Ginsburg COVID-19 vaccine Murder hornet Whipped coffee Sourdough bread Sexy postal worker (#buysomestamps) A ballot Andrew Cuomo Fran and Dot Anything respectful of other cultures
Dear Tiff and Earl, I’ve had four Halloween costumes picked out for the past year. Now that Halloween is canceled, what should I do? Sincerely, Incapable of Returning Packages to Amazon Dear Clearly Has Never Utilized the Convenience of Dropping Things Off at the UPS Store, Might as well start integrating these costumes into […]
Paint drying Your life flashing before your eyes “As Seen On TV” ads Seventh-graders fighting on the playground during recess ASPCA commercials DVD bouncing loading screen A turtle crossing the road PC COVID-19 cases dashboard Thursday Night Football PC basketball losing to URI Zoom class recordings Your parents being intimate The elderly texting with their […]
Dear Tiff & Earl, Lately, I’ve been getting extreme mask-cne. Nobody sees it because of my mask, but I know it is there and I don’t find it very attractive. How do I learn to find myself attractive again? Sincerely, Pimple Rick Dear Pimple Rick, Usually I have something witty to say, but not […]
Watch Paul Rudd movies Watch paint dry Create a background for your Zoom classes Finally start doing your freshman Civ reading Buy textbooks Start a YouTube vlog channel Write a one-man screenplay and act it out for your roommates Test out vaccines Write your memoir Binge-watch 10 hours of The Office reruns Unpack your clothes […]
by Lil Wit ’21 The only thing worse than getting picked last for the kickball team in your middle school gym class is being picked to be a blocked-off seat in classrooms during the pandemic. Accommodations for physical distancing have left many seats empty and purposely blocked off or removed. These chairs have only one […]
Cleaning your apartment or dorm Socially distanced three-legged race The Masked Singer Going up stairs in a mask People-dodging No-touch football Screen time olympics Best COVID-19 test swabber Guess who’s behind the mask Looking presentable from the waist up on Zoom Putting on jeans TikTok dances Adjusting your position during Zoom so your body doesn’t […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I passed gas on my Zoom call and my video went on speaker view. How do I recover? Sincerely, Mortified Morty Dear Mortified Morty, There’s no way to reverse engineer the damage that has been done. The only good thing is that if this were an in-person class, you definitely […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I was planning on finally getting out into the dating game when the pandemic hit. How am I supposed to find a date when we must wear masks and stay six feet apart? Sincerely, Corona Crushed Dear CC, If anyone has ever taught you anything about dating, you should know […]
“Hope you’ve all been staying healthy!” “Does anyone have the answer?” Silence. “Unprecedented times.” “So I’m gonna share my screen…now.” “Can everyone see it?” To the muted class. “We CaN’t HeAr YoU yOu’Re On MuTe.” “Do you like my virtual background?” “Do my audio/visuals look alright to you?” “Alright, I’m going to separate you all […]