Forgot to wipe Didn’t show up Brought your mom as a chaperone Talked about your 12 cats Mentioned the spider that whispers sweet nothings into your ear Confessed your love for Father Shanley Knew too much personal information Asked for their banner ID instead of their phone number Communicated solely via PC Mobile Thought they […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I made eye contact with someone across the testing center, and I think I met my soulmate. His cerulean orbs locked with mine behind the plexiglass. From the moment he exposed his nose, I knew he was really the one. How do I profess my swab-induced love? Sincerely, Catching Feelings, Not […]
My ex is in it It’s hard My professor gives A’s starting at 94 instead of 93 It has pop quizzes The textbook is too heavy for me to carry It’s a non lab-based class with a lab Someone has already tried to ask me out It meets in-person My professor is too hot to […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, My family wants to play socially-distanced football at Thanksgiving. How do I learn it in ten minutes? Sincerely, I Was a Theatre Kid Dear Theatre Kid, Sports can be hard. Luckily, it seems like these socially distant modifications can play to your advantage. My advice: once the whistle blows simply […]
Die Start a COVID-19 outbreak Go to an Eaton Street party Sleepover at Guz Dress up as Friar Dom instead of Huxley Overdose on candy corn Hookup with my ex twice (they were in different costumes) The Monster Mash Dress up like a doctor Get a pumpkin stuck on my head Go to a school-hosted […]
Dear Tiff & Earl, My neighbors across the hall are violating their pod by summoning spirits. The demons aren’t social distancing or wearing masks. How do I report them? Sincerely, In Need of an Exorcist and a Vaccine Dear Vac-orcist, While interacting with people outside of your pod is not the best idea and […]
Carole Baskin Guillotine-decapitated Marie Antoinette The fly on Mike Pence’s head Father Shanley Among Us characters My midterm grades Ruth Bader Ginsburg COVID-19 vaccine Murder hornet Whipped coffee Sourdough bread Sexy postal worker (#buysomestamps) A ballot Andrew Cuomo Fran and Dot Anything respectful of other cultures
Dear Tiff and Earl, I’ve had four Halloween costumes picked out for the past year. Now that Halloween is canceled, what should I do? Sincerely, Incapable of Returning Packages to Amazon Dear Clearly Has Never Utilized the Convenience of Dropping Things Off at the UPS Store, Might as well start integrating these costumes into […]
Paint drying Your life flashing before your eyes “As Seen On TV” ads Seventh-graders fighting on the playground during recess ASPCA commercials DVD bouncing loading screen A turtle crossing the road PC COVID-19 cases dashboard Thursday Night Football PC basketball losing to URI Zoom class recordings Your parents being intimate The elderly texting with their […]
Dear Tiff & Earl, Lately, I’ve been getting extreme mask-cne. Nobody sees it because of my mask, but I know it is there and I don’t find it very attractive. How do I learn to find myself attractive again? Sincerely, Pimple Rick Dear Pimple Rick, Usually I have something witty to say, but not […]