Tiff & Earl

by Andrea Traietti on September 27, 2018


Dear Tiff and Earl,

Okay, I’m in the shower, and the fire alarm goes off. What are my options?

Slipping in Suds


Dear Slippery on Life,

Stay in the shower. The water should protect you…right? Unless you feel like streaking across the entire campus, in which case, be my guest.

Either way, I can’t wait to hear about you on the news!



Dear Unclean Reader,

Option 1: Finish your shower. If you actually worked up the will power to take a shower, you’re probably pretty nasty. I mean, when is the last time you even tried to go to sleep in between reading The Iliad and talking about it in your 8:30 a.m. seminar? Plus, it’s probably a drill. Roll the dice of statistics and brainstorm a fire escape ladder made of old stretched-out loofahs and the piles of dirty underwear lying around the bathroom. Yes, even those ripped up Hanes can help you.

Option 2: RUN. THERE IS NO TIME FOR CLOTHES, TOWELS, OR STRATEGICALLY PLACED LATHER. Who cares if you blind everyone on your floor? You’ve already exposed yourself more than you thought you would in college, and your “friends” probably have video of it, even though you don’t remember.

Fend for Yourself,