Breaking! Condoms Now Offered at Student Health Center

by The Cowl Editor on April 6, 2023

The Scowl

On March 19, the Providence College Student Health Center announced that after 106 years since the College’s founding, they would be offering free condoms to all undergraduate students (when prompted, they declined to say whether graduate students would receive the contraceptives for free). The College finally gave in to demands after the fourth outbreak of herpes this year in the junior class alone, as well as multiple reports of freshman having children out of wedlock. “I am so beyond excited to get my free condoms. I’m hoping this is finally my chance to hook up with a real-life girl!” Mishal (Mish) O’Narie ’25 says.

Students seem to be even more excited by the sheer number of varieties carried by the Health Center. “They are much more inclusive than I thought,” says Dixie Normous ’25 who was glad to have just received one of the many extra-extra-small variants. Additionally, Mike Hock ’24 seemed particularly interested in telling us all of the different kinds he’s tried. “Yeah, there’s glow in the dark, pretty freaky if you ask me, a flavored kind (grape has proven to be the favorite of the ladies), however, the best one in my opinion is one that leaves a temporary tattoo on your area. Wanna see?” Unfortunately, Hock was unable to show The Scowl his tattoo before Public Safety arrived on scene.

While this offering was just meant to diminish the rampant spread of STIs on the College’s campus, it has also proven to become a collector’s goldmine that would have the 2008 Silly Bandz trend shaking in its boots. Ben O. Verbich, a member of the Class of 2023, is said to have collected over 100 of the free condoms. Unfortunately, an anonymous source to The Scowl told us that he has used none of them.

The Student Health Center advises undergraduates to fill out a brief 12-page questionnaire posted in all public restrooms in order to receive the free condoms. However, if a student is able to provide proof of an ongoing STI they will receive free overnight shipping of a bulk order to their apartment or residence hall in less-than-discrete packaging.  For any questions or concerns, the College asks students to call 1-800-STI-FREE, a free, but not anonymous, condom hotline.