The Carson Killer He didn’t want to get caught. The day he was suspected the shadows scratched across the hardwood floors of 29 Carson Avenue, as though the sun were trying to drag them to the basement. Day or night the sun succeeded; a cellar filled with more dark than light said as much. That’s […]
Repeatedly slam your notebook against your head Cry on the library couch for 30 minutes and then fall asleep Eat your feelings out in Ray Look at “Help Wanted” ads for when you drop out Fill out a Change of Major form Read your friends’ papers so you don’t have to write your own Go […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I always feel like I never know what’s happening on campus, and I refuse to read the Morning Mail. How do I find out what the word is? Sincerely, Lonely Larry Dearest Larry, Obviously, you only have one option—stake yourself out in all the prime gossip spots to hear what’s […]
Update your Waze app so you don’t get lost on the way to China Hang out with some girls names Nina, Pinta, and Maria Dress like it’s 1492 Update Columbus’ Wikipedia page Pay reparations to the Native American people Petition to change the day’s name Celebrate Leif Erikson Day early Take credit for others’ hard […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, I’m turning 21 over Columbus Day weekend, but all my friends are going home. I’m going to be all alone in my apartment. What should I do? Sadly, Feeling Twenty-Blue Hey Loser, Let’s face it, your “friends” weren’t going to celebrate your bday even if they were around. Go to […]
Golf Carts Horse & Buggy Bumper Cars Amusement Park Choo-Choo Train Segways Ziplines Tandem Bikes Heelys BatmobileTM Hoverboards Food Trucks (For Undercover Jobs) Cable Cars Budweiser Clydesdales Exercise Balls Pogo Sticks A Subway Through Lower Campus Tunnels Magic Carpet from Aladdin Sketchers Shape-UpsTM Razor Scooters Chariot Pulled by Friar Dom & Huxley Dragons
Dear Tiff and Earl, Okay, I’m in the shower, and the fire alarm goes off. What are my options? Sincerely, Slipping in Suds Dear Slippery on Life, Stay in the shower. The water should protect you…right? Unless you feel like streaking across the entire campus, in which case, be my guest. Either way, I can’t […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, What’s your ideal fall date? -Hungry for love not pumpkins Dear Forever Starving for Love, My ideal fall date would be jumping in bug-infested piles of leaves and getting pumpkin guts all over me while carving scary faces into them. Fall is just my favorite season, can’t you tell? Ugh, […]
A picture of my undercooked chicken “Cheating on Ray with Take3” A picture of my own cooking “Where’s the hot chocolate?” A picture of Dot looking sad at the changes in Ray A face-swapped picture with the cockroach sitting next to me A picture of my secret Tupperware full of stolen food A picture of […]
Dear Tiff and Earl, My friends convinced me to download Tinder. How do I make sure people swipe right? -Hopefully Funny, but Also Kinda Ugly Dear Ugly and Kinda Funny, Isn’t it obvious? Get a pic of Bradley Cooper and catfish them! You and I both know that the only “rights” your face would get […]